With the Stars and Us - Chapter Ten

It was probably a mistake to start your relationship on the eve of a romantic holiday, Mary thought as she and her boyfriend marched up the trail. It was probably a bigger mistake to have a late night picnic in the dead of winter. Her eyes flickered towards him. Jin held a thick, fluffy star patterned quilt in his arms as she carried a large bag holding a light meal; vegetable sandwiches that might go ignored, a thermos of hot miso soup and another thermos of her lavender tea blend. That was probably another mistake. What if he got so tired that he couldn’t walk home?

She giggled at the thought.

He shot her a quizzical look. "What's so funny?"

"It's… it's nothing really. I hope someone–we don't fall asleep after tea is all."

He huffed. "I'll have you know that I slept a full eight hours last night and I only passed out because someone made me a cup of sleepytime tea when I was running on a nap's worth of sleep at most."

Another fit of giggles escaped her. "This… this looks like a good place."

Jin gave her a nod and threw open the blanket. A cotton purple, pink, blue and white patchwork sky mirrored the deep dark ultramarine one twinkling above them. As he brushed what snow he could off the surface, Mary looked out onto the horizon. They weren't the only couples out. A shock of blonde could be made out even in the dark. Chase and Maya were by the edge of the cliff. Selena sparkled in the moonlight with her flashy, luxurious silks and jewels as she cuddled up to Luke in the center of the tiny valley. Angela and Toby laid next to one another at the very base of the hill. There was one couple that Mary couldn't recognize from a distance.

Two brunettes, one with long, straight hair and the other with short, were sitting at the table by the cliffside. Maybe they were brunettes. It was hard to tell with how the moon blacked out their silhouettes. She could only make out the shape of their clothes and hairstyles. Regardless, Mary didn't want to pry. It wasn't any of her business.

"This should be fine now, come sit."

With a nod, the clerk dropped onto her knees. The blanket muffled the faint 'crunch' of the snow underneath. The containers and thermoses in her bag rattled and sloshed around noisily but when it was opened, things were still safe. The food was spread out. Jin quietly sat next to her.

The moon hung overhead and bathed the world in a pale blue light. The snow and water sparkled in the glow. The sky itself was a medley of colors. It was like being on Mother Hill. Just far enough from the town and the faint orange and gray light that stained the sky. A hint of red, violet and a shade between yellow and orange clouded the stars if you focused your eyes just enough. The sound of the ocean rippling and crashing against the rocks below. It was a beautiful and relaxing sight.

Or, it should have been.

Despite their earlier joking around, there was something hanging in the air. They were so close. If they weren't wearing layers and layers of clothes, she was sure that they could have felt each other's heat. Jin stayed silent. His eyes stared ahead. He rarely blinked.

Mary swallowed.

Was this just first date jitters? First holiday together jitters? A mix of the two?

She bit her lip and reached for the thermos with her tea inside. Her mittens made unscrewing the cup and cap difficult. Wordlessly, her boyfriend reached over and opened both of them. His fingers still slid across the smooth chrome but he was a lot more dexterous thanks to his gloves. He handed her the thermos and stared up into the sky. Her gaze followed his once she poured herself a cup. The sky was so big. So deep. She felt like she was going to fall into it and drown in the milky way.

A star fell into the horizon.

She swirled the tea in her cup and watched the moon's reflection ripple and spin. Steam lifted from the floral liquid and billowed into a lavender scented mist. "Jin, have some."

Finally, he looked at her with a faint smile and took the cup. He turned towards the ocean and had a long drink. "I'm sorry, Mary."

His voice was so quiet that the waves below nearly drowned him out.

"...What for?" She asked.

This was a mistake. We shouldn't have done this. I don't actually have feelings for you. This is so much pressure. Your tea is actually horrible and dries me out. I can never love again.

Every negative possibility rang in her head like church bells.

"...For being so quiet. There's… there's a lot on my mind."

"T-tell me how you're feeling."

He took a deep breath. "Guilt. Just. A lot of guilt. I don't want to ruin our night… W-why don't we, er, try–"

Mary shook her head. "No, please talk to me. We can't make anything better if you and I bottle it up. I promise that it's okay… besides, a little bit of awkwardness now is easier to deal with than… resentment down the line. At least, that's what I think… I’m not the most experienced with relationships. I just see and hear about so many couples falling into ruts and cycles because they don’t want to talk."

He chuckled. "In my heart, I know that you're right. But I still can't help but… Alright. I’ll need a moment to try to put things into words.”

“Take your time. We have all night.”

The two of them sat in silence for the next few minutes. Anxiety chewed holes through Mary’s heart and left her feeling unsteady. There was a temptation to take back what she said. She didn’t. She couldn’t. She didn't want to be that cruel.

Finally, it all began to pour out.

“...I know you convinced me the other day that I deserve to be happy, even if it means not spending it with Sabrina. You told me that she would understand or that you would understand if you were in her situation. I’ve thought about it again and again… I knew her personally and could say that she would understand. I bet that if she could come to earth right now, she’d apologize to me for making me feel like this and thank me for… loving her as much as I do.

“That’s the kind of person Sabrina is… was. I know she’d want me to find happiness. If she’s somehow watching us right now, she would pray for a way for me to understand that. In my heart of hearts, I know it’s true. I know you’re right. I know it’s not… betraying her but there’s a voice that says I don’t deserve any of it. That I maybe never deserved Sabrina in the first place, let alone all the support you have shown me. It tells me to keep punishing myself. It tells me that I need to atone for not being able to help her when she needed me most.

“Now, that voice is telling me that it’s selfish of me to be thinking about her when I’m with you tonight. It’s saying that I’m betraying you for thinking about her… that I’m betraying the both of you. You didn’t ask for all this baggage, Mary. Perhaps it’s just that voice in my head finally getting to me, but I’d understand if it’s too much. I wouldn’t hold it against you if you chose to leave in the end.”

Silence once again fell between them. Heavy as a brick and just as dense. Mary took a deep breath as his words seeped into her pores and into her soul. It was easy to breathe despite the way his words and sadness flowed from his mouth and tried to drown the both of them. It was like a dam starting to break. Another deep breath and another thick white fog that floated from her mouth and into the atmosphere.

“I don’t want to leave, Jin.”

“...Is that true or are you just… trying to save my feelings?”

“Do you want me to leave you?”

His thumbs ran along the sides of the thermos cap as he thought, or perhaps pretended to think, about his response. She had no idea what he was thinking. She could only piece things together from what he told her and the way his lips and eyebrows would twitch and flutter. “...No.”

“Then I’m not leaving… because… I want to be with you,” she said with a firmness that felt almost wrong coming from her lips. She looked up at him and mustered all the strength that she could. “I mean it. I… I don’t want to leave. I want you to give into that voice. I know what it’s like.”

“I just. I just feel… so selfish asking you to put up with this and that I don’t deserve it. I feel selfish for wanting you to stay…”

“You’re not selfish.”

“...I’m also…” He inhaled and stared up at the sky once again. He swallowed thickly before he continued, though he was unable to look at her. “...I-I’m afraid. I’m… afraid that once I… start… Once I lower my guard, once I believe that I’m worthy of being loved and loving again… you’ll. You’ll get sick or worse.” His voice trembled. Every other syllable sounded as if he was made of glass and about to completely shatter within seconds. “...Perhaps, I am being selfish because I… couldn’t go through that again.”

Without a word or a single sound, she reached for his hand with both of hers. His gloved fingers were sandwiched between her yarn covered palms and squeezed tight. That seemingly permanent shakiness to his hands was back at full force. Whether or not it was from heartache that he couldn’t handle anymore or simply because of his caffeine addiction, Mary didn’t know and nor did she care. He turned towards her with tears rolling down his cheeks at full force. Hesitantly, Mary let go of his hand to slip her mittens off. They hit the cool ground in a heap. Once again, she reached for his hand again and slipped his glove off. The leather met her yarn ones on the ground.

Skin on skin.

She didn’t know what she was doing. She just wanted him to understand. She oh-so-desperately wanted him to experience her emotions, to know how serious she was, to know how much she cared for him even this early on.

The chill of the air stained the back of Mary’s palms a rosy pink but her palms stayed warm. Her warmth seeped into Jin’s shaky hand.

“I can’t promise that I won’t get sick, Jin. I can’t promise that I won’t pass away one day. I can’t even promise that things will be perfect and all hunky dory between us. I can only say that I’ll do my best to take care of myself, physically, mentally and emotionally. Spiritually too if that will somehow ease your worries…” She squeezed his hand once again. “I’ll do my absolute best to be a good partner, Jin, but you have to promise me too. Th-this isn’t me saying that you have to be instantly better… I’m… I-I’m saying I want you to take care of yourself. No more twenty hour days or anything like that. Be kind to yourself too… Th-that’s something that I need to work on too. We can work on it together.

“I don’t think it’s selfish to not want to go through that again. N-no one would want to go through such a thing even once. But… m-maybe on some level, shoving everyone else out so you don’t have to possibly go through it again is sort of selfish. It's an understandable kind of selfishness. It’s… not bad to feel like that. You told me once before… that I could stand to be more selfish. I think that could apply to you too, Jin.

“But it has to be the kind where you can say no to people… or to take long breaks or do silly, indulgent things that only you’d like. To take chances on something even if it might mean someone else might… get hurt. I-I let a lot of good things slip past me because I didn’t w-want to take them away from other people or to be… an inconvenience. It hurt so much.

“Th-this is me being selfish by saying… that I don’t want to give up on us before we can even really start. I-is that okay?”

Jin fell onto his back with a sigh. Tears continued to roll down his cheeks as laughter, warm and yet almost bitter, escaped him. That wonderful and almost hideous sound filled the air and floated into the sky to mingle with the stars and planets. A loud, dramatic sigh, perhaps one that used up all the oxygen in his lungs, fell from him as he dropped the hands from his face. His dark eyes looked up into hers. “...and yet Anissa calls me the stubborn one.”

“You are.” Mary rolled her eyes and laid herself next to him. She propped up her head on her arm as she turned to her side to face him. Their faces were only a few centimeters apart. This was the closest they had been since their embrace yesterday. “...You didn’t answer my question.”

“...Yes. Yes, it’s okay.”

“Good… because I like you a lot, Jin… and I want to see where this goes.”

“Me too, Mary,” he murmured. “...Please continue being patient with me.”

“I can try.”

“Thank you.” A shaky hand reached out for her and pulled her close. “I-I’m sorry… I should have asked.”

“It’s okay,” she said with a shake of her head. Immediately, she threw her arms around him the best that she could in that position and through all those layers they wore.. Her cheek nuzzled against the cold fabric of his winter coat but she didn’t mind. It did little to deter her from wanting to be as close to him as possible.

Things were going to be okay. They were going to be messy but they were going to be okay. Mary just knew it.

End.